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Leaning Back From Work to be a Mom: Guilt, Finding New Purpose & Not Showing My Kids

I never thought this would be my path - leaning back in my career in order to be at home with my children. What a complex it's given me!

It's something my husband and I stumbled into - after our son was born in late 2020, I found myself navigating the postpartum period and just finding this sense of true love I'd never experienced before.

When it came time to go back to work and put him in daycare (the path I thought we'd take), he was just such an excellent baby and even part time daycare was so much money. It felt weird to put him in daycare and pay someone else to watch him sleep.

The thought of separating from him also just tore my heart in two.

I found that I wanted to be the one to put him down for his nap, be the one he saw when he woke up, take him to baby classes, walks, the grocery store, etc. I wanted to be with him and it didn't feel right for us to spend much of the day separated.

Him being born during Covid, also provided both my husband and I to work from home. So I started working part time and finding a way to navigate my career while also being a mom.

I've been lucky enough to figure out both.

After he turned one, it became easier for my husband and I to find time for me to work. This flow worked for awhile, even when I got pregnant with our daughter when Dylan was 15 months old. She was born on the same day he turned two (wild I know... and both Christmas Eve babies so the holidays are extra full at our house!).

Adding another child into the mix while having a 2-year-old was not something I was prepared for, if I'm being brutally honest.

This last year has been one of the hardest for me emotionally and mentally. Having another baby felt easy enough (Ellie's been the best baby), but the big emotions and varying logistics really got to me. The dynamics between their varying schedules, the start of how to deal with big, chaotic toddler feelings, to me trying to balance my body after having another baby left me often feeling like I had nothing else to give.

So I leaned further back in my career because it still didn't feel right to be away from my children.

Mom Guilt

The guilt I felt was more toward you - how I had set up Balanced Bombshells to serve you and provide you with information you needed to live a balanced, happy life.

This year I felt emotionally pushed to my breaking point... numerous times a day. The anxiety I felt over trying to just get through the day, made it hard for me to have the passion or motivation to create anything of real value for you.

I cried more this year than I ever have in my life - yet despite how hard the days often felt, I still couldn't part with my children. I still felt in the depths of my soul I was the one to be with them and they needed me the most right now. I knew the time with them now was something I would never regret. Work would always find its way.

So I shifted my priorities, tried to do what I could, and just focused the most on my own emotional and mental balance. I needed to find that balance and peace first before I could ever step back in to help you.

My husband was also extremely supportive as we'd have many conversations about the dynamic of our family life and how I was having a difficult time finding time to work. We were in the position for me not to work as much, and we knew it was a short time that our life would be like this.

The best gift he gave me this year was that he'd rather see me relax when the kids slept than try to push through for work. He knew that if I wasn't rested enough, our entire household would fall apart.

Shout out to all the supportive partners out there who really see what their wives are going through with kids!

He also still works from home, so this made our family dynamic work that much better for us. He was able to step in, even for just a few minutes when he could see all of us struggling (transitions were hard this year and around naptime, which should have been the most blissful time, was often the hardest).

Turning a Corner

Now that we've officially entered the years of 3 and 1, I can feel a shift - with our kids, within myself (it often takes up to a full year for a woman to feel more like herself after having a baby), and this past year has given me a lot of time to rethink how I can support you while feeling excited about work again.

I always hoped to provide more lifestyle content and it morphed into talking more about hormones related to cycle syncing, PMS and period issues.

This year this old dynamic really stunted me from moving forward and I've been stuck on why it felt like I was no longer as passionate about something I once loved.

After Ellie was born I sort of fell out of love talking about hormones so much.

It felt kind of like the dream for me was actualized with the completion of our family - the passion for constantly talking about hormones began to drain me rather than inspire me.

And I love a good women's health talk! It's just not something I want to talk about all the time anymore in the content I share.

I will still continue selling my programs, digital downloads, working on my naturopaths team and taking 1:1 clients when the fit is right. But on my website and social media channels I will make a subtle shift.

The New Content You Can Expect

What does always make me excited is how cycle syncing can be applied to our everyday lives, along with the other seasons women find themselves in work, the journey to motherhood, and now life as a mom - while we can find/maintain a sense of balance.

Everything you do from food, exercise, daily tasks with work, kids, and speaking up for your needs takes a toll on your health and hormones. So while I may not do deep dives anymore into hormonal life, your lifestyle helps dictate how everything is functioning.

Today I'm deep in my early motherhood stage and have always noticed how I naturally organize and deep clean my home before my period, I strategize home projects and plan other areas of our life during my period and the week after, and I take action on coordinating all the little details after my period and during ovulation.

I also love slow living (the concept where you say no to more things and not always rushing from one thing to the next).

Life can get out of hand and increase our stress levels (and cortisol hormone) which makes you not enjoy your life (even when it's beautiful), along with not having the energy or waistline you'd like.

This is the kind of content I want to share moving forward - how to find balance and navigate along the ebbs and flows of your mental process, energy levels and every changing moods. I really want to help you live the life you want and be proud of what you're able to accomplish.

I love witnessing how cycle syncing helps me meal plan for our family, take rest for myself, have a clean home (as much as it can be right now), organize spaces with systems that work for our family, while also creating a beautiful home and fun experiences for our kids. This is the stage of life I'm currently in and I want to share more of this type of content to help inspire you!

I also love finding ways for balance - mentally in our thoughts, emotionally in how we deal with hard and joyful moments, and physically so we have the zest and energy to live the life we want. I've noticed many people just get on the rat race without really questioning anything, and I hope to bring more perspective for you, along with always checking in with yourself for what truly feels right for you. It's hard when it seems the world is just doing things for their highlight reel.

If I feel inspired I may share recipes, at-home kid projects, home design and decor, products I love for wellness and lifestyle, fashion, etc. This space on the internet will be for the wellness loving women who just want to live a happy life with work, family and a beautiful aesthetic :)

It's taken a lot of time to figure out how this works into my everyday life.

Why You Won't See Our Children's Faces

Over the last few years, I also saw it would have been a natural shift for me to enter the mommy blogging or vlogging world, as a way of sharing my passion for health and wellness.

The content that was most liked and commented was those related to our children.

After much consideration and in depth conversations with my husband, we decided a couple of months ago to not show our children through my public work channels or share too many personal details about them or their lives.

With the way the world is right now with everyone oversharing online, we didn't feel like our children can consent to having their lives and photos splashed through my public work channels. I decided to run an online business and share content - they did not. So I took down their birth announcements and most content sharing them. You may have noticed I haven't been sharing details about them or their photos (as much as I would love to share them with you!).

There's also increasing awareness about facial recognition software on the images we share online and how many kids pictures are being used for other explicit work without your knowledge or consent. It felt like I needed to step back and really think about the impact oversharing could have on their lives. They don't need their digital footprint starting before having the knowledge or ability of what is actually happening.

I felt as their mother I needed to protect them, while preserving their childhood as much as possible.

I also want them to see their mother fully present and not constantly on my phone or computer. My behavior models to them the lessons and lifestyle I hope they have when they're older. With my love of slow living now, that also applies to being as present as possible with our children.

You may see me share fun things and ideas for kids, but you will not see our children posed in photos or videos. It actually makes me sick sometimes seeing many creators exploiting their kids online for their own financial gain and I just don't feel right about it. When they're older, they can decide how to show up online and interact.

If you made it down this far - thank you for reading and I'm excited for the new changes.

I hope you'll stick around!


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